Things you should never do while getting a haircut.

1.  Don't come in with lice if you know you have it. 

Really now if your to lazy to take care of it don't expect me to.

2.  Don't leave your children for me to babysit

Don't go shop or stand outside and talk on your phone.  I am a hairdresser not a babysitter.  If I babysit your heathen then I'm gonna charge you double.

3.  If your a man please don't jack off under the cape.  Nor should you rub it or basically touch that area at all.

Yes it happens and then we talk about you and make fun of you after you leave.

4.  Male or female moaning while getting shampooed is just creepy.

Yes that happens too and we can't help but think that a. your a weirdo and b. now we know what you sound like when your having sex, and that is just way to much info. 

5.  Talking on your cell while getting a haircut.

If your talking on your cell phone while getting a haircut then don't be surprised if only half your head is done.

6.  If you show me a picture of a model and tell me you want your hair like that you better realize your not going to look like a model when I'm done

I don't have a magic wand attached to my scissors. 

7.  Do not and i mean do not come in sit down and ask me if I'll join you and your wife in a threesome. 

ahhh yuck.

Just remember.  Your hairdresser has a sharp object pointed at your head.  Do you really want to piss us off?

"Mommy do you know what"?  "What baby"?  "Did you know that sometimes men and women get naked and kiss in bed"?  "What?  "Why would they do that"?  I don't know it sounds stupid to me".  "Well honey, I think grownups that love each other might do that".  "Do you do that"?  Pause.  "Oh no honey, I don't do that".

"Mommy I promise pepperoni and whip cream will taste good, see you dip it in the whip cream and then..." Diva girl makes a horrible face.  "Okay you were right that wasn't very good".  "See Rylee I do know some stuff".

"You hate me don't you"?  "Good lord Rylee I don't' hate you, stop saying that".  "But you won't let me do none of the stuff I want to do". "Well honey I love you very much it's just that I'm the meanest mommy in the world".  "Sheesh I know you are".

"Hey woman how was school"?  "Terrible".  "Ahh honey why was it terrible"?  "Some boys were chasing me around at recess trying to kiss me".  "I wish I wasn't so pretty".  Dying laughing inside but with a straight face.  "Well woman that will be your cross in life to bear I guess".

After an eventful experience at the grocery store.  "Your the funnest mommy in the world".  "Can you be that way all the time"?  "Umm no I can't".

Have you all seen those info-commercials of the computer guy that teaches you how to use your computer?  His latest one is 'how to buy and sell on eBay'.  He always has a woman on the commercial that says something inane like 'my 3 year old used to be able to work the computer better then me, but then I found the computer guy'.  Okay, so that isn't verbatim but you catch my drift.  So I've got this imbecile in my mind because I've come up with a fabulous new infomercial how to.  

    Get ready...drum roll please.  "How to preform your own lobotomy".  Okay, okay bear with me here, I have a point.  So the premise is this.  You have a woman staring in the mirror cutting her own hair.  Or some poor schmuck female crying her eyes out in bed over some idiot man.  Cut, to some chick staring at the phone willing it to ring, or driving by some man's house at 4 in the morning.  There is a list of dumb ass things women do, which we would never admit to doing.  Anyway, bring in the Dr. who goes step by step on how to dismantle that certain area of the brain that makes us (at times) complete fruit loops. 

    Now of course I'm not saying I'm guilty of any of these acts.  But, dammit it took long enough for that fucking phone to ring.